


Is It The Mirror Again?

by MoistCalum



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: A bit sad, Cute, F/M, depersonalisation, true story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 08:10:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6415753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoistCalum/pseuds/MoistCalum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton finds his girlfriend staring at herself into the mirror and has to remind her she is loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is It The Mirror Again?

**Author's Note:**

> So this work is about depersonalisation. You probably never heard of it, but it's a mental illness that makes you feel detached from your surroundings and from yourself.   
> I don't like romanticising mental illnesses and I tried not to. As someone who actually lives it everyday, I know what it feels like and I tried my best to describe it to someone who isn't familiar with it. I always feel the need to talk to someone about it but I have a hard time putting it into words.   
> This is all to tell you that I think that romanticising mental illnesses is rude and superficial and that I put the romantic background only as a way to make it more interesting to readers. I'm doing this only because I know what it actually is like and I would never write about another illness I'm not familiar with.

A shiver ran through my spine as I stared at myself in the mirror, leaning on the sink. I was absentmidently biting on my bottom lip, watching intently at what was supposed to be my reflection.   
"Babe, are you coming to bed?" Ashton asked in that tired voice of his when he was forcing himself to stay awake.  
"Yeah..." I mumbled weakly, so quiet that he didn't hear me and came in the bathroom to check on me.   
"Are you okay?" He asked getting closer to me, not daring to touch me. He knew that in times like this even a small touch could lead me to a panic attack.   
"I- No, Ash" I admitted closing my eyes trying not to cry in front of him.   
Before thinking logically about it, he embraced me in a tight hug from behind.  He hid his face in my neck and stayed like that for a while, to let me relax. As always, I tensed for no reason in particular whenever someone touched me, even if it was the man that I trusted the most on Earth.   
"Is it the mirror again?" The gorgeous boy behind me asked sounding upset.    
"Yes... I try, I swear, I try to recognise myself. I just... I can't" I tried to explain. As much as my boyfriend tried to understand what having depersonalisation meant, he could not fully know what it felt like. But he was willing to help me, and that was enough.  
"Honey, I'm sorry but I don't understand how you can't recognise yourself in the mirror" He admitted looking at me through his reflection.  
I took a deep breath. It wasn't the first time I tried to make him understand, but the thing about depersonalisation is that the more you try to describe it the crazier you sound. I knew Ashton wouldn't judge me, but I still felt bad for him since he had to put up constantly with my panic attacks, anxiety, insecurities and sometimes cold attitude.  
"It's like," I started, focusing more on the girl that was staring at me from the mirror, who a normal person would have seen as herself, "I am looking at the mirror and I know that it's me reflected. Logically, I mean. But I don't feel like it. If I look at you I instantly think 'that's Ashton' but with me... that doesn't happen. It's like my brain doesn't want to label my reflection". I pouted slightly, avoiding Ashton's gaze. I closed my eyes again, this time feeling a tear rolling down my cheek.   
"I hate it" I sighed looking up in an attempt to stop the tears.   
Ashton lightly put pressure on my shoulder, silently asking me to turn around. I did, still refusing to look at him in the eye.   
"Babe, look at me please" he demanded sadly, proceeding with sweeping his thumb across my cheek to dry it. He then lifted my chin delicately, careful with capturing my reaction. I placed my hand over his warm one that was still on my cheek.   
"You don't deserve this, you are beautiful and I really wish you could see that" He said leaning his forehead to mine.  
I swallowed nervously, we were really close.   
"I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry I am" I whispered finally looking in his beautiful eyes.  
"It's not your fault, you didn't choose to be like this" He debated smiling a bit.  
"This doesn't make it less annoying"   
"I love you because you are you. Without depersonalisation you would be a bit less... you. I love how deep our conversations can be. I want a girl who can talk about life, reflections, her struggles and not only make-up. I... am willing to help you with anything that might make you feel better about it" He stated sincerely taking one of my hands in his. It wasn't the first time I heard those words and every time they warmed my heart a bit, reminding that despite all the shit going through my head he would always be there for me.   
It was crazy for me to trust someone when I can't even trust myself, but as always it was my feelings deciding.   
Without saying a word, he lead me to the bed and laid beside me.  
The warmth of the soft sheets instantly relaxed me, and without even knowing I smiled. I felt Ashton's strong arm wrapping around my waist and I blushed in the darkness. Thank God he couldn't see.   
"How does it feel like? In general?" He mumbled, sounding awake as ever and failing at hiding his confusion towards the topic that, apparently, interested him deeply.  
"Like when you muffle your ears. It... It's stupid said like this. Forget about that... This may sound crazy but it's like a CD. You know how the centre has a hole and that empty space is not an actual part of it, right? And it feels like I'm the hole, in the middle of a world where I don't fit. It's a physical feeling, I feel utterly detached. That's the worst."   
We laid silent for a while. Never had I ever told anyone exactly how it feels and even though my description still didn't stick to reality, it was the best I came up with.   
He will hate me now. Or worse, he will think I'm crazy and stay with me out of pity. Fuck, that's what I wanted to avoid.  
After a few moments of silence I assumed he fell asleep sometime along with my speech. I turned around to check if he was still awake and I found out he was. It was an extremely sad sight: he was crying quietly, probably not wanting me to notice, and as he sniffed he buried his face in my hair.   
"I'm sorry" he whispered. I knew that he had the biggest heart ever and was an extremely sensible guy, but I never thought my condition would affect him so much.   
"Honestly, Ash, it's okay. I promise that I learnt how to deal with it."   
"That's bullshit" he replied weakly, sitting up and wiping his tears away, "Don't- Don't think I don't see you when you stare at yourself in the mirror everyday, how forced your enthusiasm looks and when I see you holding back tears sometimes. And I will never forgive myself for not being able to help"  
I needed to tell him so many things yet I didn't have enough words to,   
"You do help me, everyday. All you can do is being there and hold me, which is what you always do and I wouldn't know what else to do myself. You may not notice it, but you make it all bearable for me and I will always be thankful for that" Quiet, again. I could only feel Ashton leaving feather light kisses on my shoulder and then hug me as tight as possible, but no words were spoken. Honestly, I don't think there was the need to.   
We fell asleep like that, our legs intertwined and one snuggled against the other, my head on his chest, and his hand running unconsciously through my hair.   
It was times like this that made me feel alive even a little and I was certain that even if I couldn't love my self, I'd always have someone who did for me.


End file.
